Self Improvement: Penis Size

Have decided my penis is too small when flaccid. When erect it has sufficient dimensions ( 6.3" x 3.2" x 1.6" x 5.4" ), however when it is flaccid, it is unbecomingly small. During the winter it shrivels like a straw wrapper. In warm climes, it nests in my pubic hair like a dewy sparrow's egg. These are unacceptable conditions in the company of women.  As such I have embarked on a rigorous penis lengthening regimen:

• 7:00 am : suspension of two pound weight from penis during shower.
• 10:30 am : seven minutes of penis twisting to encourage skin growth.
• 12:45 pm : lunch
• 4:00 pm : seven minutes of penis swinging beneath hot air dryer in men's room.
• 6:00 pm : kneading of penis during commute.
• 8:00 pm : penis given herbal rinse and cortisone injection.
• 11:00 pm : penis wrapped in warm gauze until morning.

Between above listed activities the flaccid penis shall be rubbed with capsacin and kept taped against my thigh.