Self Improvement: Wearing Shorts

It is mid-winter and already the coming of the warm months makes me worry, for soon, I will have to wear shorts... I am a pale person, my calves look like the belly of a cold trout, almost a pearlescent white, with thin blue veins trembling and snapping beneath the clear skin. My knees are shackled and creak with movement, occasionally popping as I move to and from my chair. The hair on my legs is not like the carefree brown coils of the other men, but instead I have sparse, black wires that quiver like the nervous hairs on a tarantula's body. I hate to reveal my pathetic stems, but what am I to do in the summer? Go about in long-pants? Oh were there a solution other than the endless spray tans of my summers past...

Of one thing I am certain, I will never use a hair straightener on my legs again... it simply doesn't work.